Episode 5 – The Dark

Dark Beans Special – Han Solo Gets Real With His Darkness!

Episode 5 – The Dark

I have a podcast that highlights the beauty of the fight of the human condition.  I wax eloquently on going from the dark into the light.  I do this because life has recently blessed me with the ability to find the gift in the bad things that occur in life.  Or, as a friend of mine says, I understand why a car has brakes…not to stop…but to have the ability to go faster because the brakes provide confidence in accelerating.  Without the bad, or the brakes, we are incapable of fulfilling our purpose and potential because we tend to live in lies, fear, and avoidance.  What I hope to share through my tragedy is that the darkness allows us to learn to cope with the bad things in life as well as appreciate the good in a way not possible without experiencing the bad. I am happy to wish upon anyone the ability to not suffer pain, but am happier to share how to take that pain, learn from it, and turn it into the gift of light.

This episode will start with my introduction of the true darkness that entered my life.  I lost the two most precious things in life, and consequently disconnected and pushed away my wife at the same time.  What I would not learn until many years later is that an event like this stays with you and has a ripple effect on every aspect of your life if you don’t seek to gain understanding from it.  And that’s what I experienced, initial tragedy followed by compounding grief, leading to inevitably negative and brutally destructive outcomes.

My wife and I lost Charlotte and Sophia days after they were born.  The loss of my twin girls caused me a level of anguish I could not imagine, and leveled me into a spiral of darkness and despair. I, as a man, was not equipped to deal with it.  What was worse is that nobody in my life knew how to help and the requirements of societal norms did the opposite of help because they coaxed me to repress any expression of my sorrow in a productive way. Inevitably, I was left feeling hopelessly alone and incapable of empathy or helping anyone else through their grief.  The result was a broken man, angry at the universe, unequipped and unwilling to deal with my grief, and left in the position of trying to provide for my wife and myself, all while heading up a large multi-million-dollar company.  All I practically did was push the gas pedal of life 100 mph at a wall.

From that event, for many years that followed I ended up wearing all that negativity: being a father who buried twin girls, failing to support his grieving wife through that process, and not being reliable to make non-destructive choices. I added to my pain by doing what I thought helped the pain, namely, sedating myself with prescription pain medication, alcohol, business deals, fake friends, and money.  None of this helped and only made my life worse because the person who needed me most couldn’t count on getting what she needed.  We were quite the pair of unhappy and alone.

I share this in the hopes to connect with that level of helplessness in any listener who may be struggling.  I have this hope because while this episode focuses on the dark, I can tell you, there is the possibility for light.

Until next time…

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  1. Joseph Carbo
    November 15, 2017

    Thank you for sharing your story. Hopefully this can help even just one person going through something like this. Very brave to be able to share this with us. Thank you.

    • bourqueandbeans
      November 16, 2017

      Thank you for listening!

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